10 years passes by so fast

18 Sep

10 years ago today my life changed forever.  10 years ago, I felt as though I had lost everything.  10 years ago today Ben died.

I met Ben when he moved onto the same estate as me, I was 16 he was 18.  I had secretly fancied him for ages but never thought that he liked me too!! We got together, he was my first love, we were going to spend our lives together.  We had planned to do so much. Then he got sick, he was diagnosed with Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.  Not long afterwards his diagnosis he passed away.  He was twenty.

Every year on the anniversary of his death, I try to treat it as just another day, try to get on, business as usual, it is hard and it seems to get harder every year. I guess I am scared I will forget him; I worry that the memories that I cherish every day will fade. I dread this day every year and it seems to come round so quickly.

10 years ago today all I could see ahead was a big black hole that was life without Ben. I was only 18 and really didn’t understand how I was ever supposed to get back to normal.  Everyone said to me at the time, it will get easier, life does go on. But for so long it didn’t and I could not see it ever getting better.  As time has gone by, normal life has somehow reappeared and the years have passed by so fast, my life is so different now to what it was then, but the hurt and pain of loosing him is still there.

I am grateful that I got to spend the time I did with Ben, he was amazing.  I have memories that I cherish, we really did have some laughs!! We wrote a list of things we wanted to do whilst he was in hospital, I believe that “Visit Disney Land Paris” was number one on the list!! I am fairly sure that it was top of the list because he knew how much I wanted to go, I don’t believe for a second that he actually had a great burning desire to go there himself, but he wanted too for me!!  I still haven’t been but hopefully one day I will be able too!

I learnt so much from him he was always happy, always smiling and always made you laugh.  I will never forget when he was in hospital, a friend of ours visited him one afternoon after work, I remember him saying “I tell ya mate, this cancer is not all bad.  I have lost some weight, got a new hair style, and I spend my day surrounded by all these lovely nurses” I will never forget him saying that.  Only Ben could find such a positive in what was a truly awful illness.  He remained positive right till the end, he was a fighter and was so brave, he had so much strength.

I do my best every day to be positive, to look at life and cherish every moment.  I never thought my life would turn out in such a positive way.  I have got married, and had 2 amazing babies and have a wonderful step son.  I love them all more than anything.  10 years ago I would never have imagined any of this would happen to me.

I really hope that Ben is looking over me and is proud of what I have achieved. He will always be in my heart and I know he is always looking over me to keep me and my babies safe.


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